Ninjas Own the Night

For actual ninjas, owning the night is about blending with the darkness and mastering it as a weapon to commit acts of stealth and violence with impunity. In my case, it's about getting a good night's rest.

There are no end of health benefits to getting a good night's sleep. It boosts mood, motivation, cognitive ability, metabolism, healing, the immune system, and pretty much everything that a ninja needs to be effective.

For the last couple of days, I've been staying up late. I haven't really intended to it just... happens. But the result is that my mood suffers, I become less motivated, I think less clearly, and so on. I'm even feeling groggy just writing this post.

This has been a habit of mine for a long time. My whole life, really, and the fact that other people in my family often suffer from it suggests that there might be a familial link of some kind. But there's also a strong habitual component that seems to stem from a lack of fulfillment that I try to feed with music, videos, and video games.

Okay, that's kind of a bold thesis, so let's break it down a little.

On CBC radio's Q this morning, they interviewed novelist Lionel Shriver on a novel she wrote about eating disorders and obesity. In the interview, she asserted that binge eating isn't really about taste or the love of food, but rather some kind of desperate attempt to feed a longing that can't be solved with food.

This immediately struck me as the same feeling I have when browsing the internet when I should be going to bed. I feel like I need something, so I bounce between late-night snacks, internet TV, music, and news stories. And pardon the over-sharing, but if this blog is going to have any value, I need to avoid censoring myself, so: internet porn is a significant factor in this as well, and unfortunately relevant to the longings I'm trying to fill with electronic noise.

The two major emotional challenges I've been facing lately, as best I can tell, are a lack of fulfillment in my career and a complicated form of the standard "forever alone" syndrome that plagues so many nerds on the internet. Video games, providing the fantasy fulfillment of being powerful, accomplished, and socially important, somewhat feed the void left by my career. Internet porn obviously is meant to deal with the forever alone thing.

Both are poor substitutes, of course. While killing the Leviathan in Borderlands 2 and liberating a giant pile of treasure was a good rush of accomplishment at the time, it's just a video game, and the rush died pretty much as soon as I turned off the game. And the thing that internet porn watchers are really searching for (or so my inner armchair psychologist theorizes) isn't sex but intimacy. When the video ends, you're still just alone, sitting in front of a computer. The need for real intimacy, for human touch and socializing and validation, isn't fulfilled.

So the cycle continues. Watch another episode of Archer to laugh and feel good for a few seconds. Turn that off to play some Borderlands 2 for a little accomplishment buzz. Feel lonely after a while and hit the porn. By now the laughter buzz has worn off, so it's back to Archer.

None of this is gratifying or satisfying, so the loop sustains itself until pure exhaustion forces sleep.

And now we get into the real problem, because a lack of sleep reduces mood and drive, which means I'm not doing the things which could improve my satisfaction in my career, like practicing my writing or design skills. The forever alone thing is... more complicated... but it still couldn't hurt to be more rested and alert. In short, its hard to pursue ninja training with diligence when you're exhausted.

So the first real boss monster in my gamified quest to become a ninja has appeared, and it is a lack of sleep driven by unhealthy habit-loops.

So here's the strategy:

First of all, my battle with this monster will be recorded in the check-ins, as late bedtimes are a big hit to the Physical category. And while I doubt very many people will ever read these posts, the fact that I'm publishing the results of my battle makes me much more aware of it, which will hopefully help me think about and overcome it.

The other thing is I need a way to re-engineer my habit loops. I need to somehow turn these desires for accomplishment and intimacy into behaviors that make me go to sleep at a good hour. I've found some success by putting on music, turning off the lights, and turning off the computer monitors. This reduces light levels, which helps physiologically, and gets me away from the things that cause the endless cycles. I then find it easier to be self-aware enough to sense that I'm tired, which makes going to bed seem appealing.

With any luck, I'll resume getting good sleep and then have a lot more energy for pursuing my goals. Then I too will own the night.